REFLECTION

I cannot help today but think of the little boy I gave birth to 3 years ago. For some reason I feel like I should write these feelings down so that I can remember them. This experience seems like it happened so long ago-but at the same time I remember my feelings from that day like it were yesterday. Though time has helped heal things, and being blessed with a beautiful daughter has helped also-I still think about and am reminded often of our little Perry Max.
It was definitely a bittersweet experience. It was very hard to give up our firstborn. I do not know why our little Perry Max was not supposed to live on this earth, but I think that he has a greater purpose in heaven at this time than here.
I remember back to our 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited-this was the day we were to find out what we were having. Girl? Boy? We would soon find out. I could tell almost as soon as the stenographer started the ultrasound that something was wrong by the way she was acting. At the end of the ultrasound she muttered something about there not being enough amniotic fluid and she needed to get a doctor. My heart sank-but I thought maybe it's not that big of a deal. She brought in one of the doctors in the office-(my Dr. was at the hospital). "There are definitely some problems with your baby, I am not sure it has any kidneys, and I am concerned with the lack of amniotic fluid." She said that chances of survival did not look so good and she would see if she could get me into a specialist asap at UNM hospital in Albuquerque where they could do a more extensive ultrasound. She told me that with no kidneys the baby had no chance-but she thought there might be one kidney. Her words swirled around me and I left the office feeling completely stunned almost not believing a word she said. What was going on? Everything was supposed to be perfect. This made no sense to me. How could this happen to our baby?
The next few days were a blurr as we waited for our appt. with the specialist. I did as much research as I could and was as positive as possible. I held onto the hope that in spite of the grim report maybe our baby had at least one kidney. My mom flew out to ABQ to go to the ultrasound with us. Perry's mom came with us also. I thought that maybe we would witness a miracle and at the ultrasound there would be lots of amniotic fluid and at least one kidney.
The specialist crushed all my hopes when he showed us that not only did our baby have no kidneys, there were also problems with his heart, an enlarged stomach..the list goes on and on. I felt sick to my stomach. Then I asked the dreaded question that I already knew the answer to, "Does he have any chance of living?" He just shook his head and said "No-not without any kidneys, even if he had kidneys there are so many other things wrong he wouldn't survive." I felt completely numb, devastated, and didn't want to believe him. I wanted to march out of that office and pretend it was all a bad nightmare, but I knew otherwise.
The doctor then sat us in a room and told us our options. He once again stated the baby had 0% chance of living out of utero and my body might A) go into preterm labor- which if I did I would have to be life flighted to the Albuquerque hospital B) carry the baby to term but of course he would die once he was born or C) I could have the option of being induced since there was no chance of survival. What?? How in the world were we supposed to decide what to do. I felt confused, helpless, sad, angry.
Over the next couple days we talked to many people- especially family about our situation and what to do about the tough decision we had to make. We even talked to the stake president. It wasn't until after much prayer and one very specific prayer when Perry and I prayed together (another very spiritual experience) that we came up with our decision. There was no question after this specific prayer that I should be induced. Before this prayer it was very hard for me to even think about being induced. We knew that if there was a 1% chance of survival or if the baby would have severe problems it wouldn't even be a option for us. It was almost like Heavenly Father had to not only give the baby no kidneys, but make everything else wrong with the baby's organs for us to know that being induced was ok. After our decision had been made it was like a weight was lifted. Although we had made our decision I knew Sunday October 8th would be a very hard day.
My mom and mother in law went with Perry and me to UNM hospital. When I first arrived they put me in a gown and started me on pills to help me dilate. Progress was very slow. Finally they started me on pitocin-progress was still slow so after a couple hours they upped my dosage quite a bit. I went from hardly any contractions to very painful contractions in no time. I wanted an epidural-but it was too late. Little Perry Max was born about 20 minutes after these painful contractions started. The doctors didn't even believe me when I told them I had to push.
Little Perry Max was born around 3:30 that afternoon-just under a pound and 91/2 inches long.
When he was born I could feel his spirit and love so strongly in the room. It really seemed like angels were in the room with us-and looking around I could tell our moms and some of the doctors sensed it too. As soon as he was born they handed his lifeless body to me. He was beautiful, and even though he was only 22 weeks he was perfect. Everything was developed from his eyebrows to his tiny toenails. If only his inside organs were as perfect as the outside. The love I felt for him was indescribable. I have never felt the spirit so strongly or a sense of peace as I did in those few minutes that we held him. As strange as it sounds-I felt great happiness and peace I have never felt before. It was almost like someone giving me a huge hug telling me "don't worry-everything will be okay." I know that this love was from our Father in heaven. I realized in those brief minutes that he loved me and Perry more than I could ever know and that he also loved our son.
I have recalled on that special spirit I felt many times in my life. The days that followed were hard-but months that followed were harder. What helped me to get through was remembering that special spirit I felt and turning to the atonement to take away the pain.
Through this experience I grew so much closer to my Heavenly Father and I gained a much stronger testimony of the healing power of the atonement. My relationship with Perry also grew closer as this was a hard thing that we had to go through together.
I now know in life that when times are hard Heavenly Father is always there for us if we will turn to him.
This experience has made me greatful for being married in the temple and for the plan of salvation and families being together forever. It is real, and I know that we will see little Perry Max again someday. I look forward to that day.
It has also made me feel so truly blessed to have a beautiful daughter that is healthy. She brings so much joy to my life.
I also feel truly blessed to have a healthy pregnancy right now and am thankful that things are going well. I look forward to our little boy being born.
Happy Birthday little Perry Max! Thank you for what you have taught us.